A Pratical Guide to Internet Dating: Part III

When you make it to this next video-chat step, remember the purpose of video chat is to determine if you want to meet the other person face-to-face and vice versa. The video chat is merely a tool and not the point and purpose of the encounter. When you video chat, you also have to be acutely aware of your appearance, your manners and always bear in mind that the other person can see and hear everything you say and do. The camera does not lie or forgive and you cannot edit or take back anything that you say or do. 

Be sure, when you ask questions to let the other person express their answer.  Everybody likes a good listener but hold up your end of the conversation, too.  Generally, if they ask you a question, you get to ask them one. Ask personal questions that are easy to answer like: “Where did you grow up?" and "Any brothers and sisters?"

As always, avoid politics and religion. Also, stay away from bad-mouthing a former relationship and discussing money, God, friends and parents. Be prepared to answer the question, “What are you looking for in a companion?” The idea is for you to get a good “read” on this person give them a good “read” on yourself. It is a two way street. Be truthful in your responses. If you do not tell lies, you do not have to remember what you said.

One question that invariably comes up is what your experience has been in the cyber dating world and how long you have been doing it. Be honest and if you are a newbie and do not have much experience, say so. If you have been at it for a while, be honest about that, too. Never be critical of the persons you have met or of the system. If you have been disappointed, or have had bad experiences no one wants to listen to you whine about it. If your cyber dating experience has been so bad, question yourself as to why you are still doing it!

When you arrange to meet, remember that no one looks like his or her picture, except, you, of course. As you gain more experience, you will learn to designate a precise meeting point so you do not have to cruise the location searching. When you do come face-to-face, there is a 30-second all-important make or break first impression. If you have had a chance to video chat, that make or break point has at least been approached and actually meeting functions more as verification of impressions. From there, you are on your own and the cyber phase is behind you.

Here are some guidelines:

1. Your likelihood of success with a person who has been single more than twice as long as you are slim. If you are newly single, less than five years, a person who has been single for 20 years is in a completely different world. They are not a good match for you.

2. People with whom you disagree religiously or politically (e. g. You are left wing Buddhist and they are right wing Evangelical,) do not make good mates unless you can somehow mitigate your differences. That is just too hard in my book. It is not that it cannot be done, but political or religious differences are a reflection of a conflict of core values—those basic values, ideas and ideals you hold dear. It adds a whole other layer of complication and contentiousness to the relationship. It is hard enough to get along with people you agree with let alone those with whom you do not share values.

3. Compatibility. Education levels, family orientation and dietary habits are important; match with a similar person. If you smoke and drink, you need to be clear with each other on this. If you have serious hobbies, tell the other person what you really like to do. Relationships are built on and depend on trust. Without trust, it will never work. Trust but verify; check things out and do not be naïve.

4. We can all use improvement but do not assume that it is your responsibility to improve the other person. The only person you can improve is yourself.

5.  Looks. Looks are important. Anyone who says they are not important is just not telling the truth. That is why they have pictures on the profile. Select someone you like to look at. 

One question you get from friends when you have a new person in your life is “How did you two meet?”  When you tell them, “We met on the Internet”, you get a momentary blank stare and the conversation skips a beat. People do not quite know if they consider the Internet a legitimate, safe and acceptable meeting place.  It is just too new and unfamiliar to most. If you said we met in the hog barn at the State Fair or in the frozen custard section at Lund’s, most would find that more credible; but not, God forbid, the Internet!

However, all relationships come by chance encounters—unless you were selected at birth to a pre-arranged marriage. Even though searching dating sites is like looking for a needle in a haystack that is no different from everyday life. The Internet is just another haystack to search.