A Practical Guide to Internet Dating: How to Read for Clues in a Profile and What it All Means

If you have ever seen or been on an Internet-dating site, then you are aware of the thousands of people who subscribe and regularly use these sites. Sorting through thousands of profiles with just a picture and brief description as a guide can become a tedious process. Therefore, here are some practical Internet dating tips for reading and quickly interpreting profiles to separate the good, the bad and the ugly. 

 The Username

A username is the first clue about a person. Some names are clever, some are alarming and some just too obscure to know the meaning. Usernames can come in all kinds and styles. (As a side benefit, after deciphering some of the more cryptic ones, you become much more skilled at reading personalized car license plates at 60 mph.)

However, some names suggest some possible personal issues. Names like luckytobealive, darthwoman, or lovestobehit are red flags. The “incrediblebulk” speaks for itself. Disturbing usernames like 6UL-DV8, Hannibal.Lector or batesmotelboy are more warnings than anything and are immediately put in the "OMG-RTOW" ("Oh-My-God-Run-The-Other-Way”) category.

My suggestion: Read the name carefully and glean any clue you can out of it.

The Catchy Headline: The Grabber          

The next clue is the headline, the big attention grabber that is supposed to stop the viewer dead in his cyber tracks and gain your undivided attention. It rarely works. Most are also “looking for” phrases like “looking for an honest man” or “looking for mister right.”  Usually, it just states the obvious.  

Another popular choice for the grabber is a catchy slogans or aphorism. (Twenty-five-year-old song lyrics are frequently used, too, like “Don’t stop thinkin’ about tomorrow.” This usually means that not much good has happened to them since then.) 

My favorite slogan is, “The lead dog always has the best view.” Usually, the best place to get a pithy slogan or aphorism is Target (in the plaque/wall hangings section) or in a Hallmark store. Where do you think “Live. Laugh. Love.” came from? Shakespeare?

Pictures

Pictures are by far the best part. Only read the profile if you like the picture. It will save a lot of time and tell you more than you are going to learn from the profile, anyway.  Snapshots include everything from a driver’s license photo (yes, I did see one!) to an old cropped wedding shot. A “recent picture” is considered by many to mean taken sometime within the last 20 years. An “old picture” is also 20 years old but in  black and white. Here are some clues about pictures:

Usually it is not a good sign if the picture:

• Is very grainy, fuzzy or taken from more than ten feet away;
• Is in black and white and includes a front-face, profile and a serial number;
• Includes some unidentified extra person(s);
• Is professionally taken at Glamour Shots;
• Is of someone with very large eyes but has a vacant stare;
• Includes any firearms or weapons;
• Includes a childhood photo of a very homely kid;
• Was taken at 3 a.m. on Halloween in the garage.

In addition, examine the clothing that the person is wearing carefully. A turtleneck means very conservative, bare arms or short sleeves, or a loose collar means moderate. Swimming attire means fearlessness to the point of overconfidence. An overcoat means it was cold when they took the picture. (No hidden meaning here.) Oh, and beware of anyone who is just wrapped in a blanket and forget about anyone in a Halloween costume or a clown outfit. 

Profiles that contain no picture, no description, no occupation, etc. and just say, “E-mail me now” are most likely potential OMG-RTOWs.

A Step Further: Pictures With Pets

Pictures with pets are the most interesting and fun to examine for clues. Why the pets are pictured, is anyone’s guess and there are probably as many reasons for it as there are profiles.  Many are purely informational. For example, if there is a horse in the picture and you are a city boy, you might as well forget it. The horse will bite you and step on you at the first opportunity but it will be your own fault because you fully knew the horse was part of the deal.

Generally, if there are more pictures of the dog than there are of him or her, it is not a good sign--even if the dog's cute. You can readily conclude, however, that they are a team and be certain, that it's a package deal; they only come as a matched pair. Like book ends.

If there are pictures of a pet, be prepared to compete with that pet for attention, too. The pet has the home court advantage, plays by no rules and can always just bite a hole in you any time it wants.

Initially a dog will bark, snarl and then sniff you. If you get lucky and it decides to tolerate you, it will annoy you, jump on you, slobber on you and intrude at every opportunity. Pets are the first stage of acceptance and the first barometer of your desirability. If you and the dog cannot get along, it is over. For you. Regardless, she will still ask the dog questions after you leave. Like “Did Muffin like the nice man?” They will talk it over with the dog before inviting you back.

More importantly, though, pets serve another vital role: a built in excuse for the pet owner. It can be used to excuse or justify any sort of behavior or action from being cranky to being late--it works for just about everything!

“Oh, I am so upset (sad, angry, depressed, confused, unhappy, concerned, etc.). My dog suffered a set-back today so I won’t be able to make it."

It is the dating equivalent of the, “The dog ate my homework.” Never object. Remember, the pet is in charge; it got there before you did, will be there the whole time, and will remain there when you are gone. In addition, never kid around about the dog, poke fun about their relationship or the photo itself. You cannot make wise cracks like “Hey! Great picture.  I assume that you are the one on the left with lipstick.”

If you both have dogs, the dogs will make the decision if you two are a match. Next time you are on line looking through some profiles with your dog, let him sniff the monitor.  If he licks it, fire off an “I’m interested” e-mail to her.