Zombies Are Coming!

As a bartender, I am asked numerous questions every day. Some seek advice about love. Some may ask me about whom to call for certain things. On occasion I get asked about how to solve difficult problems. However, the question I get asked the most is, how do I survive a zombie apocalypse if I am just sitting at home and not a survivalist nut?

Well, I thought this little blog would help. I mean, most of us don’t have years of freeze dried food hanging out next to our huge stash of AK-47’s and ammo. Sure there are a few, but this is for the less “aggressive” and saner type of every day person.

For the sake argument, let’s go with a single person of modest income, living a small rambler style home with a single attached garage. Maybe around early- to mid-20s, decent shape but not athletic, occasional social drinker who has no family in town. Still with me?

Ok, said person (hypothetically, you) wakes up on their day off to find that according to the EAS (Emergency Alert System) and the CDC (Center for Disease Control) that zombies have raised up and are running amuck. How do you prepare for something like that in short notice? Well, here are a few hints for you.

First off, and I really shouldn’t have to say this, do some temporary barricades to windows and doors. You know, so they can’t just waltz right in. Sofas, chairs, bookcases, etc. Not like you’re going to be relaxing anyways.

Next off, for crying out loud, dress the part! You see all these movies with scantily clad people rushing about. No wonder they get eaten. Grab a heavy leather jacket, maybe some work gloves. If you used to play sports or ride motorcycle, wear a helmet! If you get caught in a zombie grasp, you could at least head butt them to death. By the way… flip-flops and anything with a heel is a no-no! No use looking trendy if you are dead. You need footwear to run in. Not that you need to out run a marauding horde, you just need to out run the guy next to you. They will stop for a snack.

You will have to arm yourself. Well, let us assume there are no guns around. Everyone has a kitchen knife though. Secure the knife to broom, and whammo! You have a spear. Not a lot, but enough to get one or two in the old brainpan before you become a meal on wheels.

An unprepared person may start thinking about the hairspray and lighter trick, or wasting that good bottle of rum they have been saving for the right occasion as a Molotov cocktail. Bad move. See, it takes a while for a body to burn and destroy the brain. Now you have a walking torch that will take out your house and the houses of any neighbor hiding indoors. This is not a good way to meet the neighbors.

Ok, now you are semi-armed and slight defenses. Now you need a plan. Since you are woefully prepared, you better hope you have great friends you can find, or a skill you can trade. The reason is, you need to hook up with a bigger group. Let’s face facts, the person described above will probably cut themselves while securing the knife broom and bleed to death.

As part of this plan, grab anything of use and that you can carry. The forty inch plasma screen television probably is not a good choice here. Plastic bags and any medications and water are the much better option. Also, don’t forget your keys. Keys will be important. You will need transportation, and your car seems the way to go. Why? Because not everyone can rush to the army base and drive a tank, or the naval base and dive into a nuclear submarine. I know I can’t.

If you can get with a small group, you should convince them to get out of the heavily populated city as soon as possible. More people, means more zombies. More zombies also mean more chance of them eating you. No matter how you swing the math, it equals a whole lot of bad.

Now for a destination. Head north. Get above the snow line. Somewhere, where it freezes in the winter. No blood circulation means in the frigid temperature, they freeze! No ammo needed. Just spike them in the noggin! Maybe an old nuclear missile silo in North Dakota, or a decent cabin with good sight lines and land. Loot a library and grab books on how to hunt, medicinal herbs, leather making etc. For the most part, the best and truly only advice I can give is this: use some common sense, and keep your wits about you. Really that’s all you really need.

Note: Of course this is satirical. That being said, everyone should have a minimum of preparation for an emergency. In Minnesota alone, at the very least, you should have a winter survival kit. It is relatively inexpensive and can save your life. It is better to have it, than need it and not have it. Almost any bar or restaurant can give you a five gallon sealable pickle bucket. Fill it with a candle, a few candy bars or granola bars, waterproof matches, and a kindling kit. Add a blanket and maybe some bottled water and a flashlight. Seal it up and put it in your trunk. Forget about it until you need it.