Big Apple, Big Gulp

America… Mom, baseball, and apple pie! Well, maybe not. At least not now days.

I am not sure you if you know this or not, but apparently the United States has an obesity issue. I probably wouldn’t have known, except for the fact that it seems to be on every news report on every channel, and in every magazine and newspaper. Holy crapola! You mean I’m fat? Why in the world didn’t someone tell me? I mean before Anne Curry did.

Why in blue blazes hasn’t someone done something about it? Why hasn’t the government stepped in and, I don’t know, made food illegal? For crying out loud, where is my congressman when I need him? (Must be off eating a Twinkie.) Gad zooks! It can’t be MY fault that I am fat. It must be the fault of Pepsi, Coke, and other sugar pushers. It’s not like I can, I don’t know, exercise and eat right.

Thank all that is holy that New York has stepped up! Phew. Have you heard? The saviors have stepped up to babysit. They are in the process of passing a law that will ban any sugary beverage served in restaurants, movie theatres, and sports venues that would be over sixteen ounces!

I am so proud. I mean, really. Because apparently sixteen ounces is the magical number. Much better than the thirty two ounce cups they were serving. It’s not like I could do something like… I don’t know, get two? Making a nice thirty four ounces, (Like those ninja like math skills?) and I have never EVER seen a refill soda station in a fast food joint nor would I ever to presume to ask a server in a restaurant to refill my glass. Though I suppose that ten foot walk to the sugar of death fountains would constitute exercise.

Plus, the doctors think it’s a good idea.

"This goes beyond individual freedom; if you have diabetes and end up in the hospital, somebody else is paying for your bills if you're not paying for it yourself," Dr. Bryce Palchick said in an interview at the American Diabetes Association annual meeting in Philadelphia last week. "Not only are you endangering your own life, you're making everybody else pay for it."

Dr. Bryce, you can kiss my big hairy pimple and dimpled backside!

Here’s where my sarcasm ends. For a well-educated doctor, that is about the most ignorant thing I have heard. First off, this is America. Here in America, NOTHING goes beyond personal freedom. Do you know how I know that? Because my father, my friends, and complete strangers fought, died, and/or were injured to make sure of that. And to say that is borderline insulting to them, and to American sensibilities.

Next is, if you are not paying your bills? So, if you are paying for them… are you exempt from the law? If that is the case, we should outlaw everything that is bad for us. Cigarettes, alcohol, sex, fatty foods, cars, work, play, stress of all sorts, plastic, metals, bottled water, vegetables, (Pesticides) cheese, air conditioning, heat, etc.

“The experts, who voted unanimously for the ban want the plan to go further to nix-oversized juices, milk shakes and Hizzoner's favorite snack- 'popcorn,'" the New York Daily reported.

Popcorn isn't a whole lot better from the nutritional point of view than soda is, and may have even more calories,’ Dr. Bruce Vladeck”

Why stop there, Dr. Bruce? Why not birthday cakes? Hell, how about birthdays? Let’s make movies a lot more fun by getting rid of popcorn and soda. I am sure the soundtrack would sound so much better with the incessant crunching of carrot sticks.

The United States was founded on capitalism. By its very nature, that means we are consumers. As Americans, we have the right to live as we see fit. (or in this case, unfit.) My email even has Pepsi in it. (pepsibum2001 if anyone cares.)

Let’s not even get into how much it costs to eat healthy. When you make ten thousand a year, a double cheeseburger for ninety-nine cents is a good deal.

Or even better, how about we stop a hospital that charges a hundred dollars for a tube a bacitracin and only uses a squirt before they have to throw it away? Or maybe doctors have multi-million dollar insurance policies because they can get sued for messing up some persons manicure? We could stop that. Or maybe, just maybe, we could all use something sorely lacking as of late. Something my father use to call “a little damn common sense.” Oddly enough, not all that common as of late.

Want to lose a few pounds? Maybe you should stay away from the diet pills, or that stuff that makes you squirt out fat from your hind end like a pressure hose. You know what works? (Though this is just a rumor I have heard.) Eat right and exercise! Not my cup of tea though, so once again, thank goodness big brother is stepping up its game to protect me from myself. Now if they just had time to help out in the war, starving children, and bad network television!