Welcome to Richfield... Now Step Away from Our Moon Craters

Did I say “Step Away?” Sorry. I meant DRIVE AWAY, DRIVE AWAY SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY. That’s what all residents and visitors must do now. We all have to keep a close and careful lookout for gigantic mutant potholes. We all have to meticulously scan the surface of every road, street, or avenue as we attempt to drive our vehicles. Any failure to do so could result in more auto repairs for cars already trashed by Richfield’s ragged and jagged roadways. No kidding. Things really have gotten THAT costly and THAT ugly.

But at last, the Mayor and City Council are working on something that will make our daily lives easier. They’re going to make sure Richfield has enough GATEWAYS.

Gateways? Yeah, Gateways. You know, those big signs that are actually concrete monuments and walls(surrounded by drought-resistent landscaping) designed to greet travelers as they drive through Richfield -- or, as they try to keep their cars from being swallowed whole by potholes. Gateways: impressive, glorified signs that will tell drivers when and where they get to Richfield. Once these Gateways have been erected, drivers will finally know where Richfield ends and/or begins.

Like, the boundaries of Minnesota’s oldest suburb are really our biggest concerns here in Pothole Land?

Of course, Richfield’s government bureaucracy isn’t directly addressing our major concerns about road conditions with this Gateway Project. Our gripes are so 2014, and the city’s braintrust is still working on stuff from 2010. This current Gateway Project actually echoes the final consummation of the MnDot work project on Highway 62 and Interstate 35W that began over four years ago.

Ever see a master chef artfully arrange cakes into an 8-layer cream torte and then carefully place a maraschino cherry on top?

That’s what these Gateways really are: big, bad concrete cherries that serve as lame decorative reminders of Minnesota’s previous road construction. In other words, they’re not REALLY necessary, they just look good.

And bureaucrats do love those finishing touches.

For the past year, in fact, a task force from Richfield has been meeting with MnDot to discuss and finalize which design would best inform travelers that they are indeed in the city that we all know and love as Richfield.

In the March 6th edition of “The Richfield Sun Current,” there was even coverage about how this task force has been pondering which greetings to put on these Gateways. According to this article  published over three weeks ago, the council members liked using “1858” (since it was the date Richfield was established as a township) and the phrase “Minnesota’s first suburb.” They didn’t like the ho-hum, trite “Richfield Welcomes You,” though. “Too generic,” according to reliable sources.

Included in that same news story was a quote from Richfield’s Mayor Debbie Goettel that made me laugh. She reportedly said, “Nobody knows where Richfield ends and Minneapolis begins.”

Girl, you are soooo wrong. All the people who live here AND drive through Richfield know where the boundaries really are. They know Richfield is just south of Minneapolis, right at the corner of silly-ass and downright stupid.

They know it ends and begins with a half-million dollars to pay for big, impressive boundary markers -- without any money left over to repair deteriorating, crumbling roadways that go in and out of Richfield.

But fear not, Richfield has a plan. I read about it in one of the oversized postcards that was sent out to residents a few days ago. “BETTER ROADS, BETTER RICHFIELD,” it announced. Then it offered this solution that our city fathers and mothers have already approved and will soon set into motion. They’re going to use MnDot money for the big signs but tax Richfield residents to pay for new, improved roads!

Richfield roads are 20 years past their expected life. With your help, the problem is being solved. Beginning in April, an increase in your Electric and Gas Franchise fee(paid via your electric or gas bill) will help fund a very important street maintenance program. Over a six-year period, beginning in 2015, a mill and overlay project will be completed on all residential streets -- excluding those that have already received  a mill and overlay or have been reconstructed...

Thanks for the intel, Debbie & task force friends. But excuse me for not celebrating right away. I’m way too sad about paying more and more of my own tax money to fix a lunar landscape that could have been paid with that half -million dollars you decided to use for those big, impressive Gateways.

Who cares if you end up in Richfield or Minneapolis when the car you’re driving is getting destroyed by bad roads?